Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Wonderfully Weird Husband #9

Good to the Last Drop

When a scientist is researching an animal, one of the best ways to learn about said animal is to study its eating habits. 

I have been researching this animal I call husband for many years now.  Below are my findings:

  • Subject has a seemingly endless appetite.  I have witnessed him consume a “Crave Case,” that’s 30 White Castle Burgers, along with two orders of fries and a chocolate milkshake. I have also witnessed him being asked to leave a certain All-You-Can-Eat Pizza Buffet for attempting to stage an eating competition.  One day, I observed the subject competing in an actual Cold Stone Ice Cream eating competition.  He placed third (and still maintains that he was robbed since he was the only one who used a spoon and had virtually no melted ice cream at his station).  As the 3rd place winner, he received at $10 gift card to Cold Stone.  When asked what he wanted to do next, he held up the card, smiled and said, “Let’s get some ice cream!”

    The bottomless pit gets even bigger if there is a sporting event involved
  • Subject can consume a tremendous amount of food in a day (enough to feed a small family), but has also been observed going many hours without any food at all.  He has been known to prompt others around him to fast in order to raise awareness for hunger in our world.

  • Subject pretends to have a sophisticated palate, but forgets that I have seen him eat bologna right out of the fridge, lots of meals from Quick Trip, our local gas station, and many, many, many foods served on a stick.

  • Subject enjoys odd food.  He has traveled far and wide to eat things like fried pig brain sandwiches, chocolate covered bacon, alligator, baby octopus, ostrich, and cow tongue.

  • Subject eats with odd methodology.  For example, while most can choose one freezie pop from the freezer to enjoy, this particular subject must have one of each color.  Likewise, he often feels compelled to eat foods in strange combinations.  He always has Doritos, Slim Jims, and Big Red.  And of course, Moon Pies and RC Cola

  • Subject will eat anything if dared, including, but not limited to crickets, dog food, and worms.

    Enjoying dog food...

  • Subject participates often in emotional eating – like a woman.  When stressed, angry, or sad, he often utters, “I need junk food.”  Ben and Jerry’s takes quite a hit on a bad day.

    Pizza at Giordano's in Chicago
  • Subject will willingly participate in the odd diets of his mate.  He has given up meat, sugar, carbs, soda and processed food many times over the years.

  • Subject associated certain foods with a feeling of “home.”  He has been known to shed one lone tear while enjoying a bag of Grippos or sipping an Ale 8 1.

    Ale 8 1 - Getting the last drop of Kentucky
  • Subject consumes more calories between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m. than he does during the day.  I have woken up on many occasions to find chip, candy and cookie wrappers covering the night stand.  The worst discovery, by far, is the “crunchy cup” – the mess left behind when the subject crushes up oreos, fills an entire glass with the crumbs, covers it all with milk, and eats it with a spoon.

Conclusion: Wonderfully Weird Fact about Jay #9: He has CRAZY eating habits!

Ever wonder what happened to Jiminy Cricket?


Oh, P.S.  My sweet friend Meranda has started a very cute blog detailing all the reasons she is one singular sensation.  Check her out!

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