I’m Sailing Away…. But First, I’m Driving Away

I will officially be on vacation in about an hour.  I’m pretty stoked.  Luckily, Jay and I had the foresight to begin our vacation a day before we were actually leaving.  Tomorrow I have just a few things on my list – clean the house, unpack from my conference, do laundry, pack for the cruise, pack Micah’s lunches and snacks for school for the next several days, buy him a new shirt for school picture day, go to the pharmacy, go to Walmart, go to Sephora, get my toes and nails did (and Jay’s too!), load the car, and get to bed at a decent hour before heading to Galveston very early Wednesday morning.  Totally doable, right?

Tonight, as we were talking about our trip, someone asked if we were planning to drive or fly to Texas, and Jay replied, “Are you kidding?  The road trip is the best part.”

Now, since I have my first-ever cruise and my first-ever venture into another country awaiting me, I certainly hope that’s not true.  I do admit though, we have a pretty great time on the road.  Well, as long as a few simple rules are observed.  And so, I present to you:

Jay and Jamie’s Road Rules

1. Synchronize your bladders: When we are on a roadtrip, however long it may be, you will rarely ever hear one of us say, “Can we stop for a bathroom break?”  No, instead, perhaps as a nod to our competitive nature, we will demonstrate bladders of steel. 

You will hear, “Do YOU need to stop?”

“Not unless you do.”

“I’m good if you’re good.”

“Ok.  30 more miles.”

We once made it from Houston, TX to Louisville, KY (an 18 hour drive) on two stops. 

2. Prepare for “Home Cooking:”  I don’t know why this is, but every single time we take a significant roadtrip, we stop to eat at Cracker Barrel.  Why is that?  Do we not realize that Cracker Barrel exists all the time, and, in fact, we have several in our city?  What is it about being crammed in a car for several hours that makes us crave cornbread, mashed potatoes, and meatloaf?  Or more accurately in my case, chocolate covered peanuts and peppermint sticks?

3. You Snooze, You Lose (Your Music): If anyone (me) falls asleep, someone (Jay) will change the music.  You may doze off to the sweet sounds of Ingrid Michaelson or Chantal Kreviazuk, only to be rudely awakened by some very loud Metallica.  Enter Sandman?  I think not.

4. Socially Responsible Shoes Are NOT COOL for the roadtrip: TOMS are cute.  And pretty comfy, but under no circumstances may they be worn in the car for any length of time.  It is inevitable that at some point during the journey, shoes will be kicked off.  Since TOMS smell like sin and act as an anti-air freshener, rocking them on the roadtrip is just plain mean.   While we’re at it, any on-purpose stink while we’re trapped in the car on the interstate in just uncalled for (ahem… sweetie), especially when you use your window locks and render me helpless.

5. Sniffles Are Acceptable at a Minimum: At some point on the trip, someone will cry.  Often we’ll reminisce about good times or sad times.  We will hear a sentimental song or read something emotional, and the boo-hoos will begin.  (Oh shoot!  Jay don’t forget to put tissues in the car).

6. Eat, Drink and Be Merry, for Tomorrow We Diet: Food that is never consumed in real life will be eaten on the trip.  Roughly 60% of the day’s diet will be purchased from a gas station, and it’s no holds barred.  Chickosticks, Fun Dip, and Corn Dogs!  Oh my!

7. It’s the Thought that Counts: At some point during the trip, I will offer to drive.  Jay will politely refuse and say, “Thanks honey, but we’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

8. What Happens in the Car Stays in the Car: As Jay previously mentioned, I am known for my special dance, which Jay refers to as “The Jello-Necked Head Bob.”  I’m also known to fall asleep, mouth wide open, head pressed against the window.  Jay tried to convince me once that a passer-by was clicking pictures of me.  And that’s fine.  Good for him.  But Jay had better never do such a thing, and it had really better never end up on facebook.

9. The Comfort of the Queen Is of Upmost Importance:  Jay and I have been roadtrippin’ for about 16 years, and he has conceded to this very important fact – the PASSENGER (read: me) controls the heat/air.  Yes, it’s true, there have been moments where the driver was shivering, icicles hanging from his nose, while the passenger was comfortably wrapped in her furry blanket, sound asleep, but even still, the wise driver kept his hands off the thermostat.  It’s only fair.  He gets to control the wheel.  I mean, under my strict advisement, of course.

10. We Will, in Fact, Rock and Roll All Night: People assume that Jay and I have no musical ability. This is a fallacy.  Those people have never heard us singing in the car.  Something happens in there.  Maybe it’s to do with acoustics, but a Jay and Jamie rendition of Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive could bring a tear to your eye.  If you’re unsure about our vehicular super star status, check the glove compartment.  There you will find a bedazzled microphone.  For the fellow travelers who will be attending one of our shows on Wednesday, at 75 mph… you’re welcome.