My blog has been noticeably quiet the last several weeks. And for good reason. Because this is what has been on my mind:
Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant!Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant! Ohmygoodness I’m pregnant!
And let’s face it, that’s not interesting reading for anyone.
Though Jay and I decided to keep the pregnancy quiet until we made it to the second trimester, I couldn’t even carry on a conversation with someone without fearing that the news might explode out of my mouth. After all, it’s news I’ve been dreaming of sharing for 14 years.
14 years. I was 20 years old when my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Let’s make a baby.” I thank God all the time that things never worked out the way we’d hoped or else we’d never have decided to build our family through adoption, and we wouldn’t have our first miracle – our Micah. He is worth every moment of pain, worth every single tear.
But fast forward several years, and we felt that old familiar nagging in our hearts again. As Micah got older, the more I felt a longing to have another baby and to give him a sibling (even though he really didn’t want one!), but as the years progressed, the less I believed it would ever really happen.
Last year we decided to seek some assistance(not for the first time) and give it one more good try before we sailed into old age. I kept my hopes low, made a lot of sarcastic comments, and made sure my glass stayed half empty. Sometimes it’s easier to guard your heart against disappointment.
Something changed for me one month though. We were four months into the process, and I was sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for longer than usual as my doc finished up with another patient. I was looking at the calendar on the wall and realized that my next appointment would logically be scheduled for the following Tuesday, when we were supposed to be in Branson on a family vacation. I knew from experience that it was a hassle to have to reschedule an appointment, so I whispered a quick prayer that my appointment would be scheduled for that Thursday instead since we’d be home by then. And then I sat and waited some more. My phone was several feet away in my purse and I wasn’t willing to jump up in my oh-so-flattering paper gown to get it, so I just closed my eyes and sang in my head. A few praise songs came to mind, and before I knew it, I was just having me a little Jesus time right there in the office. For some reason, my cynicism kind of fell away, and I mouthed these words, “Jesus, please let me know you’re still in this with us.”
As I continued to sit and wait for the doc to come in for my exam, I prayed a very specific prayer. My ultrasounds always seemed to reveal the same thing – a less than impressive almost-mature egg. So I decided to pray for a really good already-mature egg. And since I still had to sit there for 15 more minutes, I went ahead and prayed for two eggs.
When my doctor came in, she did my exam (aren’t you glad I spare SOME details?) and said, “Well, girl, you have two beautiful eggs* this month.” And just because my God is so good, she added, “I will see you next Thursday.”
I continued this throughout the month, praying specifically for certain blood tests and hormone levels, and each and every time, God came through. I remember telling Jay (because I’m a pessimist), “I don’t think it’s going to work this month, but I love this feeling that God is on our side.”
Well, it just so happened that the day for my pregnancy test fell on March 27th, my 34th birthday. My senior group at church had thrown me a surprise birthday party that day, and I was sitting with them, calling BINGO when the call came. I missed it. My always-chipper nurse (seriously, she gives bad news in such an upbeat way that it doesn’t occur to you to be sad) left a message to call her back. I did and left her a message. She called me again while I was visiting with someone bringing me a birthday gift. She left a message to call her again and have her paged.
I shut my office door, took a deep breath, and called. She said simply, “Would you like some good news for your birthday?”
I couldn’t believe it. I knelt right down on my office floor and cried out to my God, who does things in His perfect time. I was bursting with joy that day… and since really. (Okay, so I’ve also had days of pretty terrible sickness and shocking exhaustion, but still… joy!).
Truthfully, I’m still quite nervous about things going smoothly these next six months. And I sometimes get so overwhelmed about starting all over after 8 years that you’d almost forget I actually prayed for this to happen!
But when I hear the thundering sound of that miraculous heartbeat, or hear Micah talk about how he gets to boss the baby around because he’s older, or daydream with Jay about what this little one might look like, I pause and praise God that He heard my prayer, and long after I’d given up real hope, He reminded me that He is Lord of my life.
*Not to worry – two beautiful eggs will NOT be resulting in two beautiful babies!